Honesty Hour?

I'm the type of person that will act like everything is fine. As if nothing that is going on affects me in any way. I'll laugh and joke about it when it's killing me inside. I dont know why I'm like that, I just am. I never vent on FB or go IN on twitter, I just *shrugs* act like I'm content with everything. But lately, I've felt the urge to vent. Because lately all I ever want to do is wrap my blanket tightly around me and sleep. I dont want to get dressed. i dont want to leave the house. I really dont want to socialize with anyone. Lately, I've been snappy. And lately I've felt myself changing into a person I don't want to be. Lately, I've been wanting to tell EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE to "KISS MY ASS". I'm angry. I go to bed with an attitude and wake up with an attitude.

So what better way to vent than through blogger :)

Here goes ...

I miss Delaware.

I lived there for seven years and the whole time I lived out there I bitched and complained to my dad about how much I missed New York and the first opportunity I could get I was leaving and blah blah blah. Well, I live in New York now and AINT SHIT HERE FOR ME. I mean NOTHING. It's the same as if I were to visit. Nothing spectacular. No weather change, no nothing. I dont understand why I wanted to be here so much. I miss how quiet Delaware is. How I can go to my room and just relax. I can think. I dont hear my thoughts here unless everyone in my house is asleep (like now). In Delaware I wrote ALL THE TIME, here my words dont seem to form properly. I'm stuck -_-

I miss school.

I feel like a loser not being in school. Like my life is not worth shit. Maybe once I find a job ... Nah, I'll still miss school. Because I like learning and I like the fact that I was gonna be better than anyone in my family could imagine. I was a champion in every one's eyes. Now I'm just average. I've never been "average". I'm jealous of everyone whose complaining about professors and classes and roommates. There I said it, I'm jealous.

I miss my best friends.

*sigh* I dont even know why I stopped talking to them. I'm lying, yes I do. Besides the fact they made no effort to come see for my 19th birthday they are a reminder of the two things I mentioned previously (Delaware and school). I was embarrassed by the fact I didn't perform as well as I knew I could in college and I just felt like behind my back they were laughing at me. Like "Tashay thought she was so smart in high school, now look at her.". I miss them though. I could always count on the two of them for a good laugh.

I miss TASHAY.

The girl who did her own thing and shined without effort. The girl who flew under the radar because she didnt like being seen. The girl who didnt try to change who she was to best fit everyone else. The girl whose happiness came from writing and reading. The girl whose life was damn near perfect until everything started falling apart. I miss her. 


And I'm determined to find her.