Promise You Won't Say Anything?

I fucking hate you.

Nah, I think I actually hate myself for stooping this low and playing this game that I knew I wouldn't win. But I sat at the table, cards in my hand; determined that losing was not on the agenda. I fooled myself into thinking once the cards was laid out, once I did my victory dance I would walk away with the pot. I guess I was wrong. Like I said before I'm a smart girl making foolish decisions. I should have cheated. But that's not like me. I'm a straight and narrow kind of girl. Always dotting my i's and crossing my t's. NO EXCEPTIONS. In any situation I'm placing my morals and character as my first priority. Never putting them to the side for anyone.

But there's an exception to every rule.

I never could grasp the idea of why girls would be satisfied with being someone's "secret". I looked at it as belitting to who you are as a woman and a low blow to your self esteem. It's like playing second. I always say I'm the oldest child, grandchild, etc. I don't take too well with being second. I want it all or nothing. Why settle with being behind closed doors when you can be satisfied with being another person's everything? Yeah, those were my thoughts. That was coming from someone on the outside looking in. You can never judge someone until you take that good ole walk in their shoes. Cliche I know, but it's the facts.

It's something about late night phone calls, pictures and text messages that have to be deleted right after they're sent, the smile that wants to creep up on your face when someone mentions his name that attracted me. It was fun. And I fooled myself into thinking I was going into this with absolutely no feelings. That was me living in denial. I am an emotional being. I knew my feelings were going to get involved. But I would never tell him that. Never admit that I wasn't satisfied with "creeping". Why? Because that would push me him away of course. #basicbitchtendencies again. If I cant have all of you I'll settle for a part of you? *shakes head* I was playing myself. Losing myself.

Playing my position, to keep his attention.

When I write it out, it's sad. This "secret" took my emotions up in a tornado and scattered them all over the place. I thought something was wrong with me. Starting questioning whether I wasn't good enough. Thought I wasn't doing enough. Everyday my mission was keeping his focus on me . . . There was the "I'm not pretty enough", "I'm not smart enough", "I'm talking too much", "I'm not supportive enough", "I'm not skinny enough"

Oh My God . . .

I was STUPID. And the funny thing is when you're caught up in the situation you think you're playing the game better than anyone has played it. Thinking "If I play my position long enough he'll come around and admit his true feelings for me". Uh huh. Denial.

It's truly sad to love someone who doesn't love you. Maybe he did love me, but not the way I loved him or deserved to be loved. Maybe he just lusted after me. I would have just been just another name in his number game.

What if I would have . . .
*sigh*

Now that I took a walk in these shoes how do I feel about girls being someone's secret? The same exact way I felt when I was on the outside looking in. It's belittling above all. Making you feel as though you will never add up, as if you are less of a person.

But since I'm being honest, I still cant find the strength to cut him off.



Bear with me guys .