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I'm Horrible At Talking About Myself. Mainly Because Everyday I Discover Something New.


New Journey.

It's funny how to our generation, isolating yourself from the world is deleting your Twitter and Facebook. I didn't delete my Twitter, but I did delete the app off my BlackBerry and had a friend change the password for me until further notice. And I gladly hit the deactivate button for Facebook. It wasn't to isolate myself. It was to refocus my attention. To remind myself of my priorities that I let slip away. I needed to figure out ME first. That's why I bought my blog back to life. I tried to remember the last time I was sane. The last time I did something that made me absolutely happy. The one thing I had to myself. And I thought about BlogSpot. This is the first blog post after my evolution. After I fell down, stayed down for a little while, and finally decided it was time to get back up again. I haven't changed. But if I did it is all for the better.

I'm not really a fan of pain, hurt or failure. But then again who is? Some people are able to cope with it. But I can't. I will do whatever is possible NOT to feel pain or hurt or feel as though I failed. When I was a little girl my grandparents bought me this nice pink bicycle. I was about four or five. My mother sent me downstairs and told me to learn how to ride. That's it. No instructions on how to do it, no push. Just learn how to ride. So with one of her friends in tow I dragged my bicycle down the six flights of stairs and walked down to a dead end to do just that, learn how to ride. But for some reason I could not get the hang of it, the whole balance thing threw me off, literally. But before I could fall and experience that hurt and pain that would have hit me from my little body hitting the dirty, concrete ground of the Bronx I cried for her friend to help me off. And I NEVER learned how to ride a bike. I'm no ashamed of it either. I do what I have to do to not fail. That's who I am. I recently experienced a little set back as far as school is concerned. And I felt like a failure. Even though people close to me will say I didnt fail, I think it's bullshit I failed. And I have only myself to blame. I didn't study hard enough, I didn't care enough. I got this sick enjoyment out of FINALLY being the "problem child". There was no more praise, but now I was being scolded. I liked it. So all summer when I should have been looking for a job, looking at how I was going to return to school at the end of the month. I was saying "I know, I know", but thinking "Told yall I wasn't perfect". In some weird way I was trying to prove to myself that I was human. I was not a robot. I was not a genius. I was human. I was entitled to a mistake. And I wanted to see how people would deal with it. But in the process of my little fun, it slipped my mind I was toying with my reality, my future.

Three months of fun and games. Three months of laughs and sinister grins. Three months of acting without thinking. Three months of being COMPLETELY carefree. I am officially back. A little stressed and confused about what I want to do as far as my education is concerned. But I'm a smart girl, despite my foolish decisions, and I know I'll figure it out.

Bear with me guys (:

1 people had something to say .:

RiekaBaby said...

I respect that. I'm tryna find ME too.